How to Eat a Hot Dog
1. Paint your face like a tiger
2. Gather sauerkraut, spicy brown mustard, and a cooked hot dog.
3. Take a bite of sauerkraut (do not swallow)
4. Dip hot dog in mustard, take a bite of hot dog. Chew all items together.
PS This kid also likes to drink vinegar.
How to Dance in Your First Ballet Recital
2. Look at your parents often, smiling and waving.
3. Make sure your leotard, leggings, hair piece and tights match with your friends.
4. During the recital, do not let the girl next to you miss her cue. Be sure to prompt her, very overtly, on any cue she may be missing.
5. Remember, a lady curtsies.
6. AND, no matter the distraction, keep your eyes on the audience.
How to Make Flubber
1. Mix glue and water. Be sure to splash this mixture all over the table.
2. Mix borax and water. DO NOT touch this mixture under penalty of your mother's dangerous glance.
3. Add the two mixtures together, with some blue food coloring.
4. Watch it congeal and turn semi-solid. Be sure to add some really great oohs and ahhhs at the wonder of this transformation from liquid to slime.
How to Have a Proper Tea Party
1. Invite your best friends
2. Set a beautiful table
3. Adorn your best friends in your fanciest dress-ups
4. Eat flower shaped sandwiches and crack jacks
5. If you do not want a tea party menu item, use this phrase, "No thank you, it is not to my liking."
How to Have a Proper Foot Race
1. Enlist an amazing father to come up with the idea.
2. Help your father draw a starting line
3. Invite your neighbor friends to join
4. Fire a starting gun to indicate the beginning of the race.
5. No, don't get a gun. Just joking.
6. Run your fastest to the end of the cul-de-sac while yelling or screaming.
7. Be sure someone falls down. Recover quickly.
How to Spend a Friday Afternoon
1. Invite your Dad's fifth grade teacher over.
2. Thank her for the huge bags of gifts she brings for you and your family.
3. Listen to all the stories about how smart, talented, and wonderful your dad was in fifth grade
4. Look at pictures she brought of your dad winning a writing contest, meeting an FBI agent, and putting on a play.
How to Celebrate Father's Day Prematurely Because Your Dad is Gone on the Real Day
1. Make your Dad's favorite meal. Sausage, peppers, and onions.
2. Dress up in your fanciest attire.
3. Drink grape juice from your loveliest and most fragile goblets.
4. Light the candles.
5. Tell him what you love most about him
6. Eat strawberry shortcake
7. Fall asleep watching Lassie together with your dad.
How to Make Your Wife Truly Happy
1. Hang hooks in the closet.
2. Hang your backpack up on the hooks.
3. Never put your backpack on the floor in front of the door.
4. Happy wife.
How to Jump on your Bed
1. Hang a banner, that your Grammy made, over your bed with your name on it.
2. Climb in your crib and jump very high.
How to Pose for the Camera as a Princess
1. Fully extend the wrist away from the body
2. Extend arm slightly away from the torso.
3. Flex the knee to a 45 degree angle.
5. Enlist other princesses to pose with you.
6. Finally, solicit your local prince to pose and, if luck is on your side, he may agree.
How to Wrestle with your Dad
1. Go over the ground rules about wrestling with no tears. (ha, ha)
2. Jump on your dad.
3. Try to get away from your Dad.
4. Come back for more.
5. End wrestling before someone has tears. (ha, ha)
How to Travel to Montana
1. Get you Amtrak hat
2. Look out the window of your Amtrak train.
3. Walk all over the train.
4. Go to the viewing car.
5. Order a delicious microwave pizza
6. Burn your mouth on the pizza
7. Repeat steps 3-4.
8. Watch Mulan on the iPad with your headphones band-aided to your ear
9. Fall asleep.
10. Arrive in Montana the next morning.
How to Enjoy Life
2. Hike Trail of the Cedars. Smell the singular fragrance of a cedar forest. Breathe deep.
3. Pose for a picture by Avalanche Creek. Make your stinkiest face.
4. Pose by Avalanche Creek. Make your loveliest face.
5. Hug your Grandma and Grandpa close.
6. Go down the laundry chute. With the approval and help of your grandma.
7. Jump on the trampoline with your grandma and grandpa in the most beautiful yard on earth.
9. Continue to eat the huge lollipop next to your Great Grandma and Grandma
11. Drink a volcano root beer.
12. Continue eating your giant lollipop.
How to Plant a Garden
1. Ask your husband to build you garden boxes. He will do an amazing job.
2. Have 3 yards of dirt delivered to your house.
3. Borrow a shovel and use your recycling bin as a wheelbarrow.
4. Enlist the hardest workers you know to level the boxes, haul the dirt from your driveway to your boxes, and then clean up the huge mess.
5. Feed them lunch and say thank you 100 times.
6. Plant the seeds
7. Enjoy your garden.